101 Funny and Hilarious Whats App & Facebook Status Updates

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  • Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire! 
  • One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions. 
  • When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them? 
  • I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
  • sometimes, not remembering may be the better. 
  • X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  • X is color blind and trying to solve a rubies cube… This could take a while. 
  • X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house. 
  • What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing.. 
  • slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food. 
  • wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
  • X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years. 
  • People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe I'm moving in circles.. 
  • Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it? 
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear. 
  • ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95 
  • Dear Santa, let me explain… 
  • I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover. 
  • My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect. 
  • If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons. 
  • Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married. Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police. 
  • Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate. 
  • Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions. 
  • ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶ 
  • _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ 
  • if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP 
  • scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status. 
  • ̿̿̿ ̿’ ̿’̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ this is a stick-up… give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]! 
  • Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face. 
  • The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary. 
  • Boys are like baby diapers when they get to be filled with shit they are thrown to be replaced. 
  • I've yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing.
  • Cut here —————–✄———————- 
  • Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart. 
  • I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak. 
  • People who write diet books live off the fat of the land. 
  • Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube. 
  • Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet. 
  • Best Friends Listen to what you don't say. 
  • Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever.. 
  • So many stupid people, and so few asteroids. 
  • X thinks that Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.
  • Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when. 
  • You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take. 
  • Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret. 
  • I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time. 
  • Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged. 
  • I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh? 
  • X thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!! 
  • Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!! 
  • what has two ears and cant hear? —————–.> GRANDPA 
  • I’m not a racer….But i can fly.
  • press the star below and watch it glow 
  • ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ click star then up arrow to left to reveal status. 
  • I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
  • Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant. 
  • X is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome.. 
  • Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning. 
  • I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos. 
  • X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last. 
  • X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
  • ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ 
  • Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips. 
  • oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realize you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!! 
  • wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT. 
  • X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice. 
  • Is anyone going to put anything funny on here????? 
  • If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other. 
  • eat eat and eat….but don’t eat my brain. 
  • I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately! 
  • a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong? 
  • ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ 
  • All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault. 
  • too cool for school.
  • trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon. 
  • the kid next door’s imaginary friend. 
  • –^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death. 
  • definitely not watching what not to wear. 
  • forcing my dog to learn how to Google. 
  • kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it. 
  • Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy” 
  • X is Loading ████████████ 99% 
  • Don't you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF? 
  • U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown. 
  • X went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played. 
  • Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent. 
  • I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares. 
  • In an interview, “I can multitask housework with Facebook!” 
  • X is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((> 
  • never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
  • a day late and a dollar short. 
  • Insert coin to view my status message. 
  • If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison. 
  • We have so much in common. You want to travel,I want you to go . 
  • happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA Facebook update that I boinked her. 
  • seen pictures of you naked on the internet. 
  • remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
     
  • "When I say 'I MISS SCHOOL' it means my 'FRIENDS AND THE FUN' not the 'SCHOOL'." 
  • "............. reminds us that two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left, and two Wrights made an airplane.' 
  • "☆:*´¨`*twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:" 
  • "Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile." 
  • "... noticed that things are so much funnier when you're not supposed to laugh and you know it's so wrong to!" 
  • "3 facts about life: 1 You can't touch all your teeth with your tongue. 2 You're retarded cause you just tried it. 3 Now your smiling cause you're an idiot." 
  • "(: p??? ?? o? ?u?uun? s poolq ?? ?o ll?" – if you can’t read this it may be due to your browser, it says "all of the blood is running to my head" upside down." 
  • ""is cle’a]ni.ng hi’s ke]yb29oa;rd" 
  • ""Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear" 
  • "doesn’t suffer from insanity… he enjoys every minute of it"
  • "has advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN" 
  • "I must be wishing on someone else's star because it seems someone else is always getting what I wished for." 
  • "Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?" 
  • "We have so much in common. You want to travel, I want you to go." 
  • "scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status." 
  • "I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case." 
  • "It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.